2018 wasn’t a butterfly of a year for me personally.
In all honesty, I felt like the ugliest caterpillar living in a semi-decent, but most ridiculous, uncomfortable, cocoon of a body.
I realized that things & life are not always about me.
Being uncomfortable is often necessary for others around me to be comfortable. When I think about this, I always go back to comments being made to me publicly growing up.
I heard that I was “too skinny.” I heard that I wasn’t “black enough.” I “acted too white.” That I was too much of this or not enough of that.
In those moments I would have given anything for someone… anyone… to say something while I deflected or shut down. Maybe those around me didn’t get it then. Maybe they didn’t know what to do or say, but I most certainly get it now. I realize that there are so many people around me that aren’t comfortable being uncomfortable.
Sometimes I have to put myself in vulnerable situations to ensure others around me can be secure, safe and free be themselves. Whether that requires me speaking up, listening or shutting up.
I also realized that no matter what I’m going through; I am not the first one, not the last one, and I am certainly not alone. I need to continue reaching out, being a shoulder, ear or heart for those who need me also.
I found my self-awareness and what that really means. Which includes who I am may not always translate well to everyone in the outside world… and that’s OK.
Regardless of how much make up I put on or how well I try to dress, I am not perfect. I don’t work out. I often think out loud. I don’t have a routine. And I can’t seem to keep my car clean. Some might chalk it up to being lazy, but I personally pride myself on things much deeper than what you see on the surface.
I might be messy, but I am kind. I am honest. I am caring. I am thoughtful. I am respectful. I anticipate the needs of everyone around me, especially the people I care about. I am loyal and if you return that loyalty, I will love you until the end.
Take it or leave it, that’s me {plus a million other things}. I love me in all of my imperfections and there is no need to ever say “I’m sorry” for who I am. As long as my intentions and actions remain positive, there is nothing wrong with unapologetically being me.
Lastly, I learned that happiness isn’t magic, it won’t just fall into my lap. Being happy can be work. Ultimately happiness is a choice.
I’ve had to challenge myself in the biggest but most simple way by asking: “What if you do pay off all of your debt? What happens if you do find a partner? What happens if you do become Director? What if Ryan Gosling does fall for you?”
The last joke / statement aside, I’ve got to continue to questioning myself.. So maybe it won’t happen.But what if it does?
I still have a balance on my Amex, am swiping aimlessly on dating apps and sometimes question if I actually deserve love or that promotion. At some point, I’ve had to stop doubting myself, make a conscious effort and the choice to be happy.
In 2019 I’m going to continue being me with no apologies, living with good intentions, asking questions, being open and more vulnerable. Not only just for the sake of myself, but for others.
I’ll continue to challenge myself and be comfortable being uncomfortable.If I’m uncomfortable, it means I’m growing. And I’m okay with not yet transforming into that perfect butterfly.
