Why am I on Bumble?
I downloaded the app out of boredom, pre-my last relationship.
Before I had, what I would define “success” on Tinder, when I established friendships with two amazing men, who I’m still in contact with today. Then I decided, why not try Bumble?
Like many women, I heard it was the better option over Tinder, PoF, and Match because we were required to be the first to initiate conversation.
This aspect of Bumble is a positive for me. I’m a real “go-getter." I like to get things done and make sh*t happen.. without waiting.
If you’ve matched with me and you’re reading this, you’ll know my first words to you were “Hi there.” Yes, super boring, not exciting, unoriginal and doesn't sound like someone who is ready to go after you.
Truth be told, I love taking initiative, but there’s always something exciting about seeing what the next line he’ll come up with.
I can usually gauge when he’s being authentic and genuine by his response to my oh-so-creative bio:
..with something other than “Ooooh, I love black coffee” or “Why should I make the switch?”
Boy, I don’t know! Ask your barista. That (and your lack of creativity) has nothing to do with me.
Why did I swipe right in the first place?
I could easily identify the person in all of your pictures was you. While I appreciate the fact that you do have friends, I came on bumble to do two things: swipe left or swipe right, not sift through photos trying to figure out exactly which one is you (or your attractive friend). Please make it easier to get to the good stuff (being you).
Or I didn’t have to guess if that’s your wife, ex/current girlfriend, or baby. No explanation needed.
You have minimal selfies. If you only have selfies, then I have to question if you have any friends at all or if you might be a little too in control of how you view yourself.
You had some sort of bio. No bio = no match. Come on, I need to see some kind of personality.
You had a short bio. Unlike this post, you kept it concise & sweet. You don’t need to play all of your cards at once, nor do I need to know your entire life story. Give me something to lead with, not a novel that I need to memorize. Plus, it’s easy to unconsciously portray the person we think the other person wants us to be or is seaking. In-person time will tell your authenticity; who you truly are and what you really want. I’ll take your bio at face-value until then. I'm cautious.
What about my actual dating experiences?
This may or may not be surprising, but bumble dates are very rare occurrences. Out of every 10 guys I match with, about two commit to a date and one actually follows through. This could probably be due to several reasons but I’ve narrowed it down to two.
Why my bumble dates are far, few and in between:
1. He’s all about the small talk.
This is a personal pet peeve: I loathe unnecessary, drawn out conversation. I always have this question top of mind with any new man approaching me: “What is it you’re trying to accomplish?” Being on Bumble, it should be pretty clear, the goal is to meet.
What I love about dating apps is that it takes the guesswork out of figuring if he’s attracted to me and vice versa, then skipping right to the in-person, face-to-face experience.
My best advice to any man wanting to go on a date: keep the pre-conversation minimal, set plans, make moves and follow through.
2) He’s flakey.
Small talk might be a personal peeve but flakiness is a personal flaw. There are several levels of being flakey, a 10 being he stood you up.
We had minimal small talk throughout the week before and it sounded like we were good to go for early that day. The morning comes, and nothing. No text, no explanation, no nothing. Jason, if you’re reading this and still alive, good. You’re an asshole.
Being flakey also means throwing ideas in the air but falling short on the throughput. Your intentions to see the person you matched with should always be followed by action. Otherwise, don’t waste your time or mine. As I’ll tell you next, you have other options and you better believe: so do I.
Yes, I pay $2.99 a week and can see anyone and everyone who’s matched me first. It’s always interesting to see my potential matches along with my “secret crushes.”
Is this disappointing for you in finding a future partner?
Absolutely not. The fun part about Bumble is selfishly knowing there are options. With that said, I expect that he has them too. I don’t get caught up if a date didn’t work out. There are more of fish in the sea and plenty of bees still buzzing in the hive.
Setting expectations when online dating is key.
I have come to terms that every date may not turn into a relationship, but there is also a greater chance of forming a friendship. If still no friendship, no second date, and no chance of a future relationship = no harm. Casual dates are always good to gauge what you want and don’t want in a future long-term partner.
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The restaurant was very strict on checking IDs, so our server apologized, but let my date know he wouldn’t be able to serve him any alcohol. I already placed an order for a margarita and thought it wouldn’t be a huge issue if my date had to sit one cocktail out.
I was very wrong. Instead he continued grabbing my drink throughout the entire dinner & conversation while our server looked away. Yes, it was very odd to have the person across from your constantly grab & sneak several sips of your drink. Then being pressured into ordering more, all while looking like a very thirsty, possible alcoholic. I was very surprised our server didn’t stop serving me.
While this was happening, I learned: he forgot his driver’s license because he left his wallet in his car and that he doesn’t trust himself to drive because he spends most of his nights out late partying and recently go out of a DWI. Not to mention, he needs to decorate his bare apartment because his ex-girlfriend just moved out.
If I had a chance to drink my own margaritas, I wouldn’t have been able to down them fast enough. Needless to say, we did not go on another date.
If you’re wondering what I learned from this particular date: I need someone who has it somewhat together or knows when to keep their baggage tucked away in their empty closet (where I know they have space). I also need someone who doesn’t allow my drink to ever be half empty, because they can order their own margarita.
It’s also important to know what it is you’re trying to accomplish. Be true to yourself. Is it really a relationship that you want out of online dating? Or do you want company to make spontaneous decisions with? Or do you not know what you want & are truly wanting to go with the flow? Whatever you’re objective, just be honest with yourself. And if you don’t know that you don’t even know, skip a dating app. It’s OK to wait until you’re ready.
My last two long-term relationships formed from work or through mutual friends. In this tech savvy and often tech overloaded day-in-age, it’s easy to feel like datings apps are our only want to make connections, but know that it’s not. Take each date and interaction as a learning lesson. Every experience can also be a challenge for you to try something new and get out of your comfort zone. Being in an unfamiliar (offline) place is probably where your 80% chance of finding your next real relationship.
The last bit of advice I can give to you is stay focused and honest about the things you value. These things don’t always need to be put in your Bumble bio. Actually, I highly recommend leaving most of them out. Let him figure it out with time, but always remain true to yourself.
Don’t bend or break for any person you meet on a dating app or in any dating experience.
I value loyalty. I am 110% honest about commitments I can and can’t make. If I want to be with you, I’ll not only say it, I’ll make it happen. If I’m too tired or would rather focus on work, then I won’t or reschedule. If he can’t do the same, next. Block, delete, unmatch.
If you made it this far I’ll tell you one secret about what I want in my next real match: he’s got that Spark to go along with my Sparkle. Will I find him on the dating app? Only time will tell.
While I’m not restlessly waiting for his recovery, I hope he gets better soon.
XO,
Sam